Thursday, 18 August 2011

Me to the core

So I realised I haven't really done a proper introduction to "Me". I'm not really sure what to write, but what I WILL write is basically my life story, although take in mind there will be details missing or I'd be talking forever. And really my life and what has gone on has shaped the way I think, how I act and how I do. So here goes :)

I moved to Australia with my family when I was 6 years old, from the Netherlands. Everything was very new - new people, new culture, new language. So many things to learn! Anyways adjusted to life relatively easily, being so young. Started school, made friends, etc. etc. I excelled in a number of things I did - swimming and definitely academically. Around the age of 8, my mother had developed full blown Fibromyalgia (a disease of the muscles and tissues which causes significant pain), which affected her day to day life and in the ended affected how we as kids (myself and my 2 older brothers) were able to interact with her on a physical level (mucking around, etc.). Then around the age of 10, we moved house, and I learned that my mother was mentally ill, illnesses which developed from her seeing a psychiatrist and having held so many things in over many many years. She had been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder), had 13 different ones, each with different names and ages the youngest being 6 - now try to imagine interacting with your own mother that is acting like a 6 year old - very difficult!. She was also diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and Agoraphobia (fear of open places, crowds, lots of people, etc). Now from the age of 10-14, my mother had countless admissions into a mental hospital, and being so young it was very confusing for me. Also often Mum and Dad would be in their room talking and talking and then doing some more talking. I would definitely say I missed much interacting with my parents, compared to kids my own age. At the age of 14, my parents decided to divorce, not because they didn't love eachother, but it just became so physically draining on my father, the illness, and because of certain things it just couldn't happen anymore. I decided to move in with my mother, as I did not want her to be on her own (she self harmed and other things). AT 14 I had to grow up somewhat fast, I helped care for my mother. Most of the time she was herself and normal, but there were times where she had down moments. The hardest part was sometimes needing to 'mother' my own mother. I began to smoke and drink regularly. And didn't quite have that proper parental guidance. My father was there no doubt, telling my mother that she shouldn't be letting me do this stuff and yeah he yelled at me many times, but being a stubborn teenager it pushed me away. I was depressed - not that I knew it at the time, but I definitely wasn't coping with the separation of my parents.
I fell pregnant at 14 and gained 30kg through this pregnancy, and here many things began to get 'real'. I had some big decisions to make about my life and what was going to happen. I almost had an abortion, but from my upbringing I was against this and I found that there were other options available to me. My decision in the end was to finish High School. I changed schools, to one where there was a special program in place for young mothers to allow them to bring their child to school, whilst still studying. I went to school up until the day I was due and had my son 2 months before my 16th birthday. I took one term off school and then returned to my original highschool, as I felt the one with the parenting facilities was not for me (the curriculum was 'dumbed' down and I missed my friends and teachers). I was still living with my mother and my family was very supportive of everything I did, and the teachers at my school were also very supportive of my situation. Over the next 2 years, I managed to lose 20kg - for all the wrong reasons (those I stated in my first ever post), and I became depressed, anxious and stressed. I dropped out of school halfway through year 12, as I'd become so overwhelmed with mothering, studying, working and 'looking' after my mum. I took sometime to focus on the more important things and then the following year I repeated year 12 and finished high school!! My biggest goal was always to finish my education so I could get a decent job to support my child on my own.
Four months prior to my graduation, I had finally made the decision for myself to move out of my mothers house and move in with my father and my brother. It was probably one of the best decisions I made, and probably later than I should have. But anyways. One month following graduation and two weeks before Christmas 2006 (I was 18 at the time), I was to take my mum to the doctors (routine) and had forgotten. No phone call from her to ask where I was (she would usually call 5x a day). I rang her, no reply. So I got into my car, bought smokes (had a bad feeling and prepared myself somewhat) and got to her place. Dining table empty, coffee cup in the kitchen (not on the table as usual), ashtray clean. So I thought OK she's asleep. (By this stage along with D.I.D, fibro, schizophrenia, she also had sleep apnoea, diabetes type2 - developed from bad lifestyle and 40 pills a day(medications)). Went to see, and yes she looked it. But unfortunately I soon found out she had passed away in her sleep.
Having found her put me in a deep depression. And this point is probably where most of my weight problems developed. I stopped caring. I actually didn't eat much at all or I ate too much. Since then I have met my fiance (been together 4 years now), and being happy with him has allowed me to free myself up more, I also managed to study whilst having 2 children and completed my Bachelor of Nursing in May this year. I dealt with my depression and my issues from over the last 10 years. But it also opened up to emotional eating and lazy eating and boredom eating and happy eating and eating and eating and eating. I had my daughter when I was 21 (planned) and vowed not to gain through my pregnancy with her,but I did. And now I'm at 103kg, 40kg more than what I was at 15.
My whole life I have made excuses and decisions - many the wrong ones. I am responsible for my own actions (whilst some of it can be attributed to parents, as I said I missed details, the majority is my own blame). I've hidden away. I've always wondered 'maybe if I did this or done that, etc. etc.' but I know I cannot dwell on what has happened in the past but only focus on the here and now and the future. Now is the time to continue with the RIGHT decisions.

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