Wednesday, 31 August 2011

what a week

So finished my first week of work, been very tired and admittedly not all that great on the food, but doing the best I can .. well hasn't really been the best, more so laziness.
Shopping this week has been a good one though, bought lots of fresh fruit and vegies and even bought some kangaroo sausages to give that a go - fingers crossed they taste OK!!! After shopping I chopped up lots of fruit: Honeydew melon, watermelon, pineapple, strawberries, apples, oranges and kiwi fruit (bananas weren't ripe yet)and made a big bowl of fruit salad. Following that I divided it up into 4 containers, which then serves as my morning tea at work for 4 days, yay money saving!! Also bought some more yoghurt and muesli to have for breakfast, as well as some UP&GOs, this way I can chop and change a bit, and also helps for when I'm in a rush or not.
Once I've got the eating under control, which I'm going to work really hard on the next couple of weeks, then I'll work on the exercise - which is DEFINITELY going to be happening once the challenge officially starts, I have NO EXCUSES!!

On another note ... today has been crappy. My feet are aching something chronic. Work was good until about 1pm then everything went to shit. And to top it off, when I returned to my car I had left the headlights on and had a flat battery. So hard to get someone to pull over and help!! But got a couple of nice people that finally helped, one lived across the road from where my car was and had 3 batteries to try, but all those were dead, so unfortunately no help, but the gesture was there :), and then got another nice person to pull over and got it working, so made it home at least!! Won't be forgetting to turn my lights off again in a hurry!!

Thursday, 25 August 2011

1st day back at work

Had my first shift back at work today, was pretty exciting, hard getting out of student mode though!! Anyways in terms of food/exercise and what not, it's nice to be back into somewhat of a routine. Depending on my shifts, I'm more forced to have breaks between eating, and I'm not grazing like I do at home.
I haven't packed my lunch as of yet, but I've made good choices when buying. For my morning tea break this morning I bought a yoghurt and a fruit salad - and even in the canteen underneath the items it says "eat frequently". So even at work they're encouraging healthy eating! Though being in a hospital you'd wanna hope they do lol.
Trying to keep up my water intake too ... helps having a bottle to be able to refill over and over too :)
MY biggest weakness is still V though. I just can't seem to bring myself to lessen my intake, I'm just addicted. And then I think well how much damage can a liquid really do anyways? Since I pee it out about 10 mins later anyway, and caffeine also gets me going in the other department >_< (sorry tmi lol). Excuses, excuses, excuses, I know :(
Yesterday I worked out (using my pretty new FT4) that jogging/walking around the block, I burn 116 calories and takes me about 10 minutes. So I'm aiming to work up to being able to jog/run the WHOLE block, I'm estimating it to be about 1km and hopefully burn MORE! But yes that requires some more fitness, and me to stop thinking in my head that everyone in their houses are looking at me going "OMG look at that fatty try and run!!" or "ROFL look at the jiggling fatso". Yup those are the things that run through my head and generally stop me from exercising outdoors.
I really need to work hard at getting all this negative mentality out of my head and look at the positives. That I am actually trying to do something to fix my weight.

On another note, in terms of goal setting I have set myself a big goal and that is to join my buddy Alysha in the Rio Tinto Ride to Conquer Cancer next year - a 240km bike ride that raises money towards cancer research and awareness. So got some big training ahead of me! I'm just glad it's a RIDE and not a RUN!! haha

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Crappity crap crap crap

Ok so this weekend turned out to be a bigger blow out than I'd hoped ... but it's my own fault, I can't exactly blame anyone else for what I put into my mouth.
Went to Sizzler for dinner on Friday night, food wise I did OKish ... dessert, yeh just think chocolate icecream, chocolate mousse, sprinkles and marshmallows :(. Then Saturday was my daughters 2nd birthday and here comes my BIGGEST excuse - "It's a celebration, it's OK", who am I trying to kid, honestly? Anyways, breakfast was good and healthy as was morning tea. Lunch was a BBQ + a slice of birthday cake. Dinner was non-existant, just had such a busy day, shopping and seeing family. Then had another slice of cake. Whilst had reasonable small slices ... it was still too much!!! I just still struggle to say no and I hate myself for it. I want to have that will power and self discipline to stick to what I need to!
I'm hoping that by returning to work tomorrow, I will have less time near food, as I will be forced to wait to eat, which did help last time I attempted to lose the weight seriously. Also returning to the gym next week. Have my Polar FT4 coming in the mail.
I am serious about this program and I am serious about losing the weight, but it's definitely going to be a major struggle. I've completed pre-season Task 3 this afternoon, writing and submitting my goals. Though I'm pretty sure I'll have some more goals to add to that list, once I can actually think (it's never easy thinking on the spot, even when you have TIME to think). Thinking for me generally pops up at the most random times. I could see/hear something and then it may lead me to think of something I would like to achieve, and this is how I believe I will add to my goals list.
I have my diary too, where I will do what Michelle says and calendarise my goals. So along with writing in my work shifts, I will see my goals that are coming up and be able to work harder to achieve those goals and hopefully maintain that motivation to do so.
I think right now I am still very much so in the mindset of making excuses, and I guess that's why these pre-season tasks are there for us, to help work through those. I now have no doubt in my mind that I will be revisiting these tasks regularly. I have some HARD HARD HARD work to do!

Friday, 19 August 2011

Shopping :D

So this morning I did some shopping with my buddy Alysha <3. The motivation behind my little shopping spree is the 12WBT, and it has definitely boosted the motivation I already have. I got some new (more) gym clothes to work out in. A couple of new skirts (want to feel more feminine, as I just don't they way I am now, I feel frumpy and fat). I bought Michelle's Crunch Time cookbook .. have read it start to finish and I'm in love!! SO I'm thinking ... since going back to the shop this afternoon lol, of buying her Crunch Time book then lol. Also I am going to order a Polar FT4 once the other half gets home. I was given a choice - the gaming mouse I want (I play World of Warcraft) which is $130 OR get the FT4 for $112 (discounted website price) ... so since my weight is more important to me, and I feel actually seeing how many calories I'm burning, will push me even further and hopefully allow me to see bigger number losses on the scales. And THAT reminds me that I also need to buy some new digital scales as my old ones broke - I could stand on them 6 times in a row and the number looking back would vary from 5-10kgs each time, broken much?

Currently I'm still riding high and feeling very excited, despite the fact that I haven't really done a lot of exercise since the pre-season started, the most I've done is the 2km walk/jog down at the athletics track. BUT what I HAVE done, is started to change my eating habits. I'm weighing out my snacks, I'm not constantly nibbling on something. Having breakfast everyday - yoghurt, muesli and strawberries. I finished the chocolate in the fridge, but where a row of 4 little blocks would usually be gone in a minute, I spread the last row over 2 days and then had one little piece in the afternoon and one late at night .. now the block is gone, NO MORE CHOCOLATE! I've still been drinking my V, but I'm aiming to cut that down too (It's soooooooo good though).
Next week my gym membership comes off hold, and also I start work, EEEP!! So crunch time is going to happen!!!

This weekend will be a bit of a splurge for me. I have my daughters 2nd Birthday tomorrow, so will have cake. But rather than a BIG BIG piece, I'll go much smaller. It's just so hard going cold turkey! I'm working on little steps at a time over the pre-season, to make it easier, but I guess I'm sort of making excuses too. Also I learned today that I actually like Honeydew Melon!!! I'm slowly aquiring better tastes, which is a good thing as I am generally a VERY VERY fussy eater. I basically never liked ANY vegetables, whereas now I can eat a fair few more than I used to. I loved watermelon back when I lived in Holland still, but as soon as we moved to Australia I just couldn't eat it anymore ... it took me 16 years to be able to eat it again! So I am making an improvement and I am trying my hardest to get myself to try new and different foods that I previously didn't like, to expand my options for healthier eating.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Put a smile to my face :)


So very very true!!

Love My darling fiance! xox

This is what I came home to today :D So sweet. Love my man ^_^


Me to the core

So I realised I haven't really done a proper introduction to "Me". I'm not really sure what to write, but what I WILL write is basically my life story, although take in mind there will be details missing or I'd be talking forever. And really my life and what has gone on has shaped the way I think, how I act and how I do. So here goes :)

I moved to Australia with my family when I was 6 years old, from the Netherlands. Everything was very new - new people, new culture, new language. So many things to learn! Anyways adjusted to life relatively easily, being so young. Started school, made friends, etc. etc. I excelled in a number of things I did - swimming and definitely academically. Around the age of 8, my mother had developed full blown Fibromyalgia (a disease of the muscles and tissues which causes significant pain), which affected her day to day life and in the ended affected how we as kids (myself and my 2 older brothers) were able to interact with her on a physical level (mucking around, etc.). Then around the age of 10, we moved house, and I learned that my mother was mentally ill, illnesses which developed from her seeing a psychiatrist and having held so many things in over many many years. She had been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder), had 13 different ones, each with different names and ages the youngest being 6 - now try to imagine interacting with your own mother that is acting like a 6 year old - very difficult!. She was also diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and Agoraphobia (fear of open places, crowds, lots of people, etc). Now from the age of 10-14, my mother had countless admissions into a mental hospital, and being so young it was very confusing for me. Also often Mum and Dad would be in their room talking and talking and then doing some more talking. I would definitely say I missed much interacting with my parents, compared to kids my own age. At the age of 14, my parents decided to divorce, not because they didn't love eachother, but it just became so physically draining on my father, the illness, and because of certain things it just couldn't happen anymore. I decided to move in with my mother, as I did not want her to be on her own (she self harmed and other things). AT 14 I had to grow up somewhat fast, I helped care for my mother. Most of the time she was herself and normal, but there were times where she had down moments. The hardest part was sometimes needing to 'mother' my own mother. I began to smoke and drink regularly. And didn't quite have that proper parental guidance. My father was there no doubt, telling my mother that she shouldn't be letting me do this stuff and yeah he yelled at me many times, but being a stubborn teenager it pushed me away. I was depressed - not that I knew it at the time, but I definitely wasn't coping with the separation of my parents.
I fell pregnant at 14 and gained 30kg through this pregnancy, and here many things began to get 'real'. I had some big decisions to make about my life and what was going to happen. I almost had an abortion, but from my upbringing I was against this and I found that there were other options available to me. My decision in the end was to finish High School. I changed schools, to one where there was a special program in place for young mothers to allow them to bring their child to school, whilst still studying. I went to school up until the day I was due and had my son 2 months before my 16th birthday. I took one term off school and then returned to my original highschool, as I felt the one with the parenting facilities was not for me (the curriculum was 'dumbed' down and I missed my friends and teachers). I was still living with my mother and my family was very supportive of everything I did, and the teachers at my school were also very supportive of my situation. Over the next 2 years, I managed to lose 20kg - for all the wrong reasons (those I stated in my first ever post), and I became depressed, anxious and stressed. I dropped out of school halfway through year 12, as I'd become so overwhelmed with mothering, studying, working and 'looking' after my mum. I took sometime to focus on the more important things and then the following year I repeated year 12 and finished high school!! My biggest goal was always to finish my education so I could get a decent job to support my child on my own.
Four months prior to my graduation, I had finally made the decision for myself to move out of my mothers house and move in with my father and my brother. It was probably one of the best decisions I made, and probably later than I should have. But anyways. One month following graduation and two weeks before Christmas 2006 (I was 18 at the time), I was to take my mum to the doctors (routine) and had forgotten. No phone call from her to ask where I was (she would usually call 5x a day). I rang her, no reply. So I got into my car, bought smokes (had a bad feeling and prepared myself somewhat) and got to her place. Dining table empty, coffee cup in the kitchen (not on the table as usual), ashtray clean. So I thought OK she's asleep. (By this stage along with D.I.D, fibro, schizophrenia, she also had sleep apnoea, diabetes type2 - developed from bad lifestyle and 40 pills a day(medications)). Went to see, and yes she looked it. But unfortunately I soon found out she had passed away in her sleep.
Having found her put me in a deep depression. And this point is probably where most of my weight problems developed. I stopped caring. I actually didn't eat much at all or I ate too much. Since then I have met my fiance (been together 4 years now), and being happy with him has allowed me to free myself up more, I also managed to study whilst having 2 children and completed my Bachelor of Nursing in May this year. I dealt with my depression and my issues from over the last 10 years. But it also opened up to emotional eating and lazy eating and boredom eating and happy eating and eating and eating and eating. I had my daughter when I was 21 (planned) and vowed not to gain through my pregnancy with her,but I did. And now I'm at 103kg, 40kg more than what I was at 15.
My whole life I have made excuses and decisions - many the wrong ones. I am responsible for my own actions (whilst some of it can be attributed to parents, as I said I missed details, the majority is my own blame). I've hidden away. I've always wondered 'maybe if I did this or done that, etc. etc.' but I know I cannot dwell on what has happened in the past but only focus on the here and now and the future. Now is the time to continue with the RIGHT decisions.

Excuses, excuses and more excuses.

Task 2 today was to write down a list of our excuses and separate them into Internal, External (controllable) and External (uncontrollable). My list is big no doubt, but actually writing them down, gosh do I feel silly. Really I'll make any excuse not to cook or exercise. Me and the other half will "argue" about who is going to cook, where time just goes by, neither of wants to cook so either it will end up being a sandwich for dinner or we'll go out and buy take-away. Now that sort of leads into another excuse - I can't afford the gym or a PT, yet I can afford take-away???!!! That makes a whole lot of sense doesn't it?
Michelle discussed in her video Analysis Paralysis , and it hit me ... that is EXACTLY what I do. I think and think and think and I say to myself "I'm gonna blah blah blah" ... or "I should blah blah blah", both followed by a "I'll do it later" and it just never happens - this has been me for the last 5-6 years. I think too far into the future. I need to start thinking about the now and just SMALL steps at a time!! Basically as the mantra goes "JUST F&%@ing DO IT!!!!"

My excuses are silly and pitiful, and it is no wonder the other half gets peeved off with me for constantly whinging and trying to help me by telling me to do something about it, and my response is generally "yeah, yeah, yeah, next week I'll start I promise" ... 2 weeks later still nothing. Seeing my before photos I see that I not only WANT to do this, but I NEED to do this. I want to be happy again within myself. I am my own worst enemy and as much as the other half has had enough of my excuses, I have had enough of my excuses. No more!! Time to start following through and get real.

The result :(

My 'unofficial' before photos ... God I feel so vulnerable right now!


Measurements - unknown
Weight - 103kg ... 2kg less than my heaviest.

Time to say goodbye to this forever!

Wednesday, 17 August 2011


So just had my fiance James, take my "before" pictures. The camera is still turned off, as I'm too afraid to look at them. I see myself in the mirror on a daily basis, kinda hard not to when the wardrobe in your bedroom is two large floor to ceiling mirrors :( and I'm constantly picking at myself, I'm just disgusted by what I see - it's even been to the point where I'm dry reching at the sight of myself, that's how disgusted I am in what I have let myself get to .. and I know I am the only one to blame from excuse after excuse. Yet staring at myself in the mirror, isn't as confronting as the thought of me seeing myself in a photo. A photo seems to make it much more real for me. I think maybe its because photos can be shared. And whilst I don't like me ... I need to be open and honest about what/who I am and I am willing to pluck up the courage and share that with everyone else.
It is now more about "This is me, and this is what I am wanting to better/improve and I'm going to do it"... rather than "This is me, I'll do it another time"

Now to look at these pictures :( :( :(

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

"When one approach is not working to reach the desired goal, that's not a reason to abandon the goal. Instead, it is time to devise another approach."------Ralph Marston

This quote really hits it home for me. I can not begin to even think about the amount of times I have just given up because something wasn't working. I have watched myself day after day, month after month, year after year (yes it's gotten to that point), just not change anything, or I'll try something, it works then doesn't work, and I give up and slowly time just pushes on and I'm still where I was however long ago - unhappy, disgusted, fat, bloated, oily, blech, etc. This time for me I vow to NOT give up and abandon my goals, but as the quote says "devise another approach" into reaching my goals.

Planning my day

Day 2 today, and I think I'm going alright ... apart from a massive tooth ache as I believe my wisdom tooth is coming in, it stopped me from eating my carrot snack yesterday ... though I'm still getting used to eating raw carrot.
The worst I had was a couple of mouthfuls of coke last night, other than that I drank water, water and more water - just picture me running to the toilet lots and lots haha.

This morning has started of with a lovely breakfast (pictured below), dropping the kids off at kindy and school and now I'm home alone with my cat (she really is fat, like my blog link). Now I'm deciding what to do, tossing up between a few things, well not so much tossing up, but thinking of what order to do it in.

1. Go see my buddy Alysha and pinch her scales and run! :P Nah we're doing this together so lots of visits over the next few weeks!

2. Clean up the house - my 2 year old loves tearing the place apart 5 or so times a day. I just hate cleaning, but I guess that's just another excuse, after all you burn calories doing it right?

3. Go to the athletics oval and walk/jog/run some laps since my gym membership is on freeze until the 24th of Aug :(

So while I'm deciding on that, I may just go browse over the 12WBT forums. I've also decided I'm going to try and take as many pictures as possible, of food, myself, exercise, etc, to help monitor my journey. Pictures of me just make me cringe though, I'll take one and then automatically delete it.
I've got a very personal blog in the making too which I aim to release along with one of the pre-season tasks, which will give insight into how I got to where I am today.

Starting off strong!

My breakfast this morning :)


Monday, 15 August 2011

Great start -_-

Me: *hungry thoughts* Makes a thick nutella sandwich
Head: ....yeah great start that is ... FAIL!!!
Me: gives the sandwich to the kids .. "TAKE it away from meeee!!!!"

Pre-Season begins today

So the Michelle Bridges 12WBT Round 3 pre-season starts today, I’ve read many good things about it, and some amazing success stories. This has inspired me to begin my own journey - again -. I'm signed up and ready to go!
I have attempted weight loss countless times, and my biggest loss in the past has been 20kg, BUT that was in ALL the WRONG ways - depression, illicit drugs, bulemic tendencies. I’d put it all back on again and then some (it usually happens like that doesn’t it?) and recently managed to lose 10kg again, only to put it back on again. It’s just excuse after excuse, and I’ve had enough - and I’m sure my SO has had enough of me complaining and whinging but not doing anything about it.
It’s time to take responsibility and I’m hoping with fingers and toes crossed that MB 12WBT is the be all, end all of the battle with the bulge for me.
Currently I’m a size 16 … Ok probably closer to a size 18, but I’m in so much denial that I’m actually a size bigger that I’d like to believe, it hurts. I need to be true to myself.
My goal is to be a size 10-12 by November next year, when I would like to get married (engaged 3 years running now). I just don’t want to be a “big” bride. I want to look and feel beautiful and the way I am now, I just don’t see that being possible.
So now I’m just waiting on an email from Mish, to see what the first pre-season task is, so I can set my mind to it!
OH and expect a before *shudders* and after pic soon! Need to build up some courage first!!