Monday, 2 July 2012

Committment renewal

While I was driving to work, to my night shift on Friday night, I found myself feeling overwhelmingly anxious. The all too familiar thoughts of "I'm going to fail," ... "I'm stuffing myself full of crap," ... "I'm too tired..." etc. etc. were running through my head. I could see myself setting myself up to fail, by having slacked off on my exercise, having slacked off on the cooking and began returning to buying takeout, though trying my best to get healthier options, it wasn't good enough. Also eating a small takeout tub of cold rock ice cream, and drinking 1L of V on Saturday and again on Sunday.

Old habits were wriggling their way back in. And something snapped inside me ... I thought "What the hell am I doing? I made a committment, so I should stick with it!" I made the decision then and there to cut the crap, cut the excuses, no more justifying excuses. I didn't have anything to gain by slacking off ... I wouldn't get to where I want to get, but I knew at that moment I can do it! And I WILL do it!! I have renewed my committment to reach my goals, and to kick it up a notch! I KNOW I can do it!!!!

Thursday, 21 June 2012

1st red flag day... not quite busted

Yesterday was my first 'red flag' day ... it was my 24th (almost wrote 21st haha), birthday. It was mostly an ordinary day .. too low on cash to really do anything, but being my birthday of course I wanted a bit of a treat. I blame my polar FT4 >_< Displaying a birthday cake. It put the inkling thought into my head and well later I said I'd really like some cake .. and we bought a strawberry fields torte from the cheesecake shop BUT we only bought a HALF one, rather than the usual full one, so that at least helped stop constantly nibbling at cake. I was satisfied with my one piece of cake and again actually felt kind of sickly after having eaten it.

I do feel somewhat guilty though, as the scales yesterday morning reflected a 100g gain and no loss, and yet I still chose to have cake. I still had a good work out though, burning 320 calories. But that doesn't really justify it either. I guess this is my head trying to rationalise all my choices to somehow make it seem ok. But really it's not ... it's just another excuse.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Take-away cravings

Today I was hardcore craving this:

But I didn't cave in!! Luckily tonight on the menu for me was Thai Chicken Burgers, which tasted yummy and definitely aren't as fatty.

After reading through the calorie counting book a few days ago, I was put off take-away, merely for the fact that when I added up what I would eat, it came to 1700 calories! Which is more than my daily intake! Usually on a typical night when we would buy take-away, it would be the $25 McDonalds favourites dinner, which includes:

- 2 Big Macs - 2 Quarter Pounders - 2 Medium Fries - 2 Small Fries - 6 nuggets - 4 Medium Cokes

Out of this list, I would have 2 of the cokes, one of the medium fries and 1 big mac and 1 quarter pounder. It makes me sick thinking of it now, and am glad I haven't eaten a single ounce of fatty take-away over the last 2-3 weeks. Definitely an improvement from having take-away 2-4 times per week, just because it was convienient and didn't require cooking. Laziness in other words.

Monday, 18 June 2012

Evil temptations

Easing into week 3 of the challenge now and cracks are starting to show. I thought the first week and a half were a breeze, I was eating well, working out every day, lost 2.4kg and my skin had started to clear up, I was feeling STRONG!! But the I met with an amazing bunch of 12WBT girls for coffee, and had an amazing time, but I also gave into having a piece of cheesecake - excuse there? It was mostly for Miss 3, yet I ended up eating most of it. Whilst I did learn that day that it's OK to have a treat now and again (a very indulgent one at that!!), I wasn't yet strong enough to be able to handle one, and that's where I began to slip in Week 2.

Week 2 saw me having a croissant for breakfast 2 days in a row, having meals late/skipping meals, missing a workout mid week and just basically feeling bloated and somewhat disheartened. Though despite all of this I did still manage to lose 1.7kg. Lost some cms of my chest and waist, though brought down by the fact that I lost nothing off my thighs. It brought to my attention that again, I really do focus on the negative way too much ... there were many positives, yet I focus on the 'no loss here', my failures ... and that in a way scares me. I don't want to be that negative person, I want to be able to feel confident and accept both the negative and the positive and take it in my stride.

Oooh another positive - I managed TWO weeks of ZERO and I mean absolutely ZERO caffeine, no V, coffee, tea, coke (actually no soft drink at all), and no anything else that may contain caffeine. The biggest one for me in that list is V though. Pre the program I was drinking 3 to 5 of the 500ml cans PER DAY! That's about 300g of sugar!!! Definitely not good, and I don't think it was making me feel great either, as I wasn't drinking any water at all. For the past 2 weeks, all I have drunk is water, water and more water, and then some milk or Jarrah hot chocolate. I had tried to go cold turkey off V before, but was plagued with horrible headaches, and an inability to concentrate at work, so lwo and behold I began drinking it again more than ever. This time though I think because I am eating well and exercising, I haven't had a single headache.

Today I figured I'd been doing so well with no caffeine, I'd treat myself to a small can of V. And I am actually quite proud to say, that as I opened it an had a sip, I found I actually had no desire to keep drinking it, or at least scull it down like I used to. Where once a 250ml can would be gone in less than a minute, it took me about 20-30mins to finish. I was able to enjoy it and didn't feel like I wanted more. So I think I have completed a milestone for me there and have beaten my addiction.

Bootcamp last Saturday just gone with the girls was fun, and I can't wait to do it again this Saturday! It definitely helps having that support group there, with those that have been where I am, and understand what kind of mindspace I can get into. It makes me more determined to continue and finish my journey. I am working on getting stricter again on my food intake and exercise, so that I will succeed and not set my self up for failure.

In saying that ... it's now workout time!

Monday, 4 June 2012

Week 1 Kick off!!!

Kicked off today with a BLAST!!! Came home from my nightshift at 8am, but I was good and had breakfast before I left work! Had a sleep until about 1:30pm, then had lunch followed by walking to my son's school and back, which is a 4.4km round trip. That started my work out off. Finished my work out with my ab work and boy am I feeling the pain!! Tomorrow is going to kill!! But I'm not going to let it hold me back from doing my work out!

Feeling good having had good foods and drinking lots of water. I'm feeling hungry at the right times, as in when it's time for my next meal or snack, which means that the food is carrying me through. Hopefully I see a little result on the scales on Wednesday!

I'm planning over the next week to scour the internet for motivational posters/pictures, and make up some of my own memos and reminders that I can post on the fridge, in the study, in the bedroom, etc. I want to do it right this time and that means giving it my all and listening to each and every suggestion.

I do still have a giant fear of failing though, which I am working on pulling out of my head and fill it with confidence to succeed instead. I seriously think too negatively too often and my fiancee tells me that too, that I need to stop thinking so negatively, think of postive things, and well there's another goal to add to my list! "Be able to think POSITIVELY!"

Signing off now, going to finish cooking 'Nat's Lasagne', looking forward to eating it!!

Sunday, 3 June 2012

What the hell happened?

Well where the hell did all that motivation and what not go from my last few posts when I joined for Round 3 of the 12wbt in 2011? I know I fell off the rails BIG time!!! I think I just became so overwhelmed with work, and home life that I just let it all go. It's a bad excuse I know!!

So what brought me back this year to Round 2?? Well,
1. I'm 2kg heavier than what I was when I started in Round 3 last year, so now sitting @ 107kg, now officially my heaviest weight yet.

2. I had a friend post on facebook asking if the Michelle Bridges 12WBT was worth it, and well I told her it was, even though I never followed through with it and told her to join, yet I didn't myself.

3. Over the weeks I kept pondering and JFDI kept popping up in my head, yet still I procrastinated, then I kept hearing Michelle's voice on the radio say "Change your life forever, now! Just F***ing Do It! What are you waiting for?!" and I thought well it must be a sign! And well What was I waiting for? The weight to magically disappear and be thin and pretty overnight? Yeah only in my dreams!!!

So here I am, with the support of my fiancee (who is doing it with me, although not officially signed up) and going to give it my all. I think my mindset is better this time, I still have the lessons I learned last time in my head and now I am going to build on those and make them STICK!!!!!

I am sick and tired of being depressed and trying to hide. I want to be the confident happy person that I was 5 years ago. I realised today I haven't changed my facebook cover photo in 5 years. That's a long time. In that picture I am approximately 35kg lighter than what I am now. I came to the realisation that it shows how ashamed I am of myself, to show the world who I am now, I don't WANT the world to see me as I am now, I HATE HATE HATE me.

So here's to JFDI and to a NEW me, that WILL succeed at ALL costs!!!

Friday, 23 September 2011

what happened to me?

Week 2 has been a struggle ... I don't know why ... I can honestly not give you an exact answer, why I have basically done nothing (mostly in terms of exercise), except for Monday when I was sick. Exhaustion? Lack of planning? Motivation? I'm not happy about it and have no excuse for it. I want to succeed, so why am I sabotaging?

I did find that after week one I was sore and exhausted, not really so much from the exercise, but working. It was the first busy week I had at work, and now that I am a Registered Nurse and no longer a student nurse, I am coming to see how truly exhausting and draining the work can be, especially because responsibilities are increased 10 fold. So maybe I've just spent week 2, winding down? I know what I'm doing here ... I'm trying to justify to myself and everyone else as to why I haven't exercised and my food has been OK but not at the standard it should be. It's an excuse. And really I need to get my act together if I want to succeed. But right now I just can't find that push within myself to drag myself to the gym or outside for a walk/run. Help me find it!!!

Now I got the pen and paper out and re-planning. Planning each meal - mixing around things I do/don't like. Making sure I pack that bloody gym back. I've also decided that rather than doing shopping on Thursday when the new shopping list comes out, I think it may be better to do it on Saturday or Sunday, that way I don't end up wasting food that is meant to be used later in the week, because it's gone off. Currently I think there's maybe $10-20 worth of food in my fridge that I can probably chuck out, not only because my diet hasn't been optimal this week, but also because I bought them too early. The biggest one is any form of leaf - spinach, rocket, lettuce, etc. I guess with the food and shopping, it's a bit of a play around, that maybe somethings need to be bought at different times in the week in order for them to be at their freshest, and not to overstock or understock. Though understocking would be better, as can always go out and buy more.

Either way I need to have a kick up the bum and get back into this, otherwise I'm not only wasting my time, I'm wasting Mish's time, my money, and just cheating myself.

Monday, 19 September 2011

just like a golden rough

This first week has been pretty good, with some rough patches. Day 1 started off well, apart from I didn't get my workout in. I was all ready and dressed for the gym, and then poor hubby was really really sick, vomiting, so was unable to watch the kids and I had to look after him too. The next few days went well, I ate good, went to work and did my workouts and managed to burn 500+ calories each day.
My first boxing session after 4 months of no gym was VERY intense. And I believe I may have over done it, as I had to lay down 10mins before the end of the class as I felt I was going to pass out, and ripped off my heart rate monitor @ 490cals burnt, as it was feeling tight around my chest.
V is still a big problem for me ... I'm addicted, and it's hard to go cold turkey. It was easier for me to quit SMOKING .. how sad is that? Although I have cut down a bit. The weekend treat meal, I chose bad as well ... went for KFC .. it was an overindulgence treat and I felt like crap after eating it, so next time I'm going to go for subway or sushi, just something that doesn't make me feel like crap. Good choices! Get it stuck in my head!!!
Week 2 day one is today, and it's off to a bad start. I woke up started getting ready for work, and I just felt like absolute crap, feeling exhausted and felt like I was going to vomit. I haven't vomited ... but have spent a decent amount of time running to the toilet for other business (sorry TMI). Slept a lot of today too, and just can't bring myself to eat anything. Had a protein shake and two slices of vienna bread with ham, which was hard to stomach. So I won't be working out today either, just don't feel like I can handle it. But tomorrow, pending how I feel I'm getting straight back into it, and keeping my plan on track.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

I've let myself down.

The second time I've taken these photos, and I'm not any happier, well why would I be? I've only lost 2kg since the last ones I took. I feel completely unattractive, and I don't see how my fiance could find me beautiful or attractive. I have a bajillion stretch marks (pregnancy related), multiple flabby areas and a muffin top something chronic. I know I'm the one to blame. But now I'm getting fear thoughts into my head. Afraid that I won't be able to do this, that I'll keep eating the same crap I do, that I won't have the self-control/discipline to stick to the program. The other half is supportive, no doubt about that, but I've just self sabotaged so many times, that I'm afraid I'll do it again. I think I'm just having some last minute jitters before the program officially starts tomorrow.
Went to Underwater World with the kids yesterday, and had a photo taken with them ... I hate it. I can't even stand to look at it, it's just plain embarrassing.

Whilst I do have these sudden fears and self-doubts in my mind, the photos have given me a kick up the bum. I don't want to fear going out because of the way I currently look, I want to look and feel good and that means working for it. Sitting on my arse (excuse the language), isn't going to do jack.

On another note ... the fridge is stocked with yummy healthy foods, and I've completed my fitness test. The result? I've just managed to get into the intermediate category. And I mean JUST! So I now have a new goal. This goal is to be comfortably and well into the intermediate category by the time the 4 week fitness test comes around.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Task #8 / Week 1

Been a busy week with work orientation, and also due to not having all the required materials, I haven't yet completed task #8, but will have by the end of the weekend. I'm buying some new scales, pretty Tanita ones, and following that will take all my measurements, as well as new before photos.

Fitness test completed last night, and I'm only JUST on an intermediate level, although I know that after a week of exercise and getting back into it, I will be sitting there comfortably.

Shopping for week 1 is also done! Expensive, but it looked really healthy! Will also be trying some new things for the first time, scary stuff! Went to make a banana smoothie this morning, only to find that I have no idea where the lid to my blender is :( *Cries*, so for me it's an excuse to buy a NEW glass blender hehe (at least it's a GOOD excuse not a BAD one!!